It’s not about you
Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that everything isn’t about me.
Sometimes people around you behave in ways that make things difficult for you.
Making it hard for you to “imagine positive intent” when you see the effect it has on your results.
People didn’t start their activity aiming to ruin my results.
In this cast we talk about “it’s not about you” and ways you can zoom out from that kind of behaviour to help you set clear boundaries and ensure you’re talking about things that can be changed, instead of allowing your frustration to get in the way of the change you wish for, by making you focus on things that can’t be changed.
It's important to set healthy boundaries. That job does not start when you give feedback. It starts when you recruit and when you select whom to call friends. When you say to yourself, 'who' today, will I invest my time in? Like when you see a pattern at work or with friends in behaviors that do not give the effect you want. Own the parts of that scenario yourself. You could have chosen to work for another boss, chosen to surround yourself with other people.
Reminding ourselves that we have a choice, that we choose to be here. To be present in this group often makes it easier to show respect and talk about the stuff that makes a REAL difference instead of being irritated, pushing out our wishes just like that.
Reminding ourselves that the other person also has a choice. We have to remember to treat everyone like a volunteer. They too, always, have a choice to invest their time in someone or in someplace else.
It’s a LOT easier to change yourself than it is to change other people. Most importantly, don’t stick around “hoping” other people will change. It’s highly unlikely. Especially if we’re trying to drive change without changing ourselves, only hoping and complaining about other people's behaviors.
Dare to be vulnerable with how their behavior affects you. Tell the truth. And if change doesn’t happen. Don’t stay there, and IF you do--then it’s your choice too, not just the other person. Own that. Drive the change from within you first.
Own your anger. Don’t push it on others. You make it about you. Rarely, they wanted to do something beneficial for someone, for something. Perhaps this was an accident. Perhaps it was a “not-thinking” incident and maybe you're not happy with the result but maybe it wasn’t about you. Imagine the positive intent. Ask for it. Only when you can accept that intention to drive then you can aim for the healthy boundary you need to set.
You are not accepting reality when you ask someone else to change. That energy and pain will go into you. And put a barrier between the two of you.
There is nothing wrong with dreams. Nothing wrong with wishes of change. But that’s in your head. In your heart. Sure, you’ve been hurt and have dreamt of wishes of revenge. Or you feel grateful for a gift. Or someone sharing their wisdom to you for what may be it’s still in your head. Only you make it about you. Must action from others is about them, about something they want to be or archive.
If you really dare to take ownership of positive intent, you kill anger. You make it easier to move to a place where you can talk about what is important for you without pushing the other part away. You Connect. And then it’s a lot easier to drive change towards where you want it.
Then you can aim your energy at the thing that makes all the difference instead of you making your own anger and frustration--eventually blocking the path. Block the insights away and focus on what really is the work worth doing. Not just that 'all or nothing' attitude. Significantly block everything out and we trap ourselves to fall into our anger.
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