Cyber settings worth it

You cant hide from cyberspace. Its here and it sees you, and shares with anyone who sees it.

Below are some steps to make your personal data less beacon-light out there

And a few cyber-hygine things worth your effort. This can be a very deep rabbithole, so Ive written them in order of where to start and effort-level.

There will be a Swedish part of this, please try to think about your own similar tools there

urgent settings I recommend for all

1) - - - - - - - -
(set require Authentication apps not just a password as described here)

2) - - - - - - - -
Get an e-ID
For example BankID or Freja ID

3) - - - - - - - -
 Ensure you have a digital inbox for all your government papers and bank papers etc.
Im Sweden for example we use Kivra. Its important you research who stands BEHIND this service since you are trusting them with important stuff.
This means people cant as easily order stuff in your name and steal it from your inbo

4) - - - - - - - -
Block changing your physical address without e-ID
(in Swedish, skatteverket adressändring needs BankID)

https://www.skatteverket.se/privat/etjansterochblanketter/allaetjanster/tjanster/sparraobehorigadressandring.4.361dc8c15312eff6fd123f5.html
This means its less easy to change your snail-mail address somewhere else and pretend they are you ordering things in your name, taking bankloans etc.
 

Enable “force e-ID” at personal-data collectors like places like Klarna.
if possible demand BankID for buying online with a card, or via paper invoice
yes this means blocking those vendors not supporting e-ID and those verifications.
Yes if you check “remember my card” at any place, now is the time start paying attention when you but stuff and enable forcing this for next time. Even better would be to revisit where you buy stuff and do everything now but I know you wont do that.

 

5) - - - - - - - -
Disable data/choices storage the services you use. For example, for each google email AND find similar settings in any other search, email or other provider

I recommend you set everything to off but even if you dont change anything. Logon and check yourself what’s already there being sold to anyone.

 

https://myactivity.google.com/activitycontrols
Check it and Disable all

 

Choose what others see about you

https://myaccount.google.com/people-and-sharing - be aware of what you share

https://www.linkedin.com/psettings/data-privacy

 

 

6) - - - - - - - -
Many services include a security and privacy check. They are walk throughs that I suggest you do
https://myaccount.google.com/data-and-privacy

https://help.dropbox.com/accounts-billing/security/security-checkup

https://myaccount.microsoft.com/security-info

 

7)  - - - - - - - -
Check with your phone carrier if they have an options that blocks ordering a new simcard without signing with an e-ID or similar. A common scam is buying a new simcard in your name and then they can reset your accounts using the phonenumber
(That’s also why an Auth APP is way way better than just a phone-number)

8)  - - - - - - - -

I also recommend a VPN for privacy, it doesnt help much with security and if you’re not conciously very active with your cookies and other tracking tools VPN doesnt help with privacy either.
the privacy VPN might give is instantly ruined if you are not mindful of how you behave online at all times. its not a just install quickfix. Your actions will betray you.

I use Banhof’s VPN and recommend you to thourogly backgroundcheck who’s VPN you choose.

Hide public information from listing in places it gets mass-copied from

This step doesn’t matter much unless you disable sending your data out from the services described above so do those first otherwise you might find that you bounce back to below places automatically at a future refresh.

Find your local variants as these are Swedish. They are not the only places you need to clean from either.
Note that the services that don’t make it easy for you do it because they don’t want you to opt-out, making them have less data to sell to other people

1) 
Call your phone carrier and ask them to NOT share your number for listings.
In Sweden. This is important otherwise it will re-appear below

2)
https://nixa.nixadresserat.se/#/login (BankID

3)
SPAR (BankID)

4)
https://www.statenspersonadressregister.se/master/start/dina-personuppgifter/reklamsparr (företag

5)
https://www.hitta.se/kontakta-oss#ta-bort-kontaktsida (bankID)

6)
https://www.eniro.se/ta+bort/personer (bankID)

7)
fill in below form. You will recieve another form that you need to sign and send in https://upplysning.se/kontakta-oss
https://www.ratsit.se/kontakt
https://www.birthday.se/kontakta
https://mrkoll.se/om/kundservice-publicerade-uppgifter
and countless more, disable as you stumble on them

8)
Set your web browsers default page/search to
https://ecosia.org ,
https://DuckDuckGo.com or similar

9)
OBS im not active on facebook, Instagram and those services.
Please doublecheck your checkboxes there too.

Important Cyber Hygiene that is less quick

1)      Verify that your webcam has a physical block, and that it have a microphone that you cant turn of physically. (or none at all, since you mostly will use a dedicated headset that is better)
Make a habit to intentionally block the webcam immediately after meetings, even if its just 30 minutes to the next one. Turn it to face the wall if you don’t have a block
This is to protect you from yourself at a bad time AND more importantly in case someone manage to control your webcam.

2)      Verify that you can physically disable your microphone. There are scary tools like
https://github.com/ggerganov/kbd-audio out there
Likewise. Get in the habit of muting physically when you’re not talking.
if you want to be safe, don’t type your passphrase on your keyboard while in a meeting at work cause you don’t know whats around you, or while streaming before hitting the mute 10 second button.

3)      Enable encryption on your drives local storage.

If you have the pro version of windows you have bitlocker built it.
Sure from now on you need to type something before every restart but its WAY worth it.
Without this, if your computer gets stolen, anyone can just copy the important parts somewhere else and they have all that is yours.
If you don’t have pro its not fully automatic but stuff exists.
Easiest might be using tools like VeraCrypt or BoxCryptor
VeraCrypt also serves purposes if you for example serve multiple organisations from the same computer and dont want to open at the others site etc.

 

Ask yourself it its for you too. Make a choice yes or no, don’t wait with it.

1.       I recommend you use a postbox for your company snail-mails. If you have one.
This means your home address wont automatically end up on online maps and be displayed to anyone searching nearby for anyone. Or with more wicked intent.
You can find those in a lot of places. I use Postnord.

2.       Many suppliers like Telia also have pages on your account that allows you to disable different types of marketing. I suggest disable all that’s not relevant
https://www.telia.se/privat/mitt-telia/mitt-konto#Marknadsforing


 

 

Remove your ”ID” emails from newslists etc using tools like

https://join.unroll.me

https://joindeleteme.com/privacy-protection-plans

 

 

 

 

Put a yearly reminder because you need to redo this often.
A lot of services sneak they way back into collecting your data

1)      Ensure you actually have multifactor authentication all all your listed services

2)      Ensure services only have the synks and permissions enabled that you still use
For example a lot of apps connect to dropbox.
Go here and remove ALL that you don’t know exactly why they need it.
if its important you will get the chance to re-add it again

a.       https://www.dropbox.com/security_checkup

3)      Disable “Display images” and “Dynamic contents” in your email apps on your phone, tablet, computer. For example in gmail for go to settings, then do each for one account scroll to the bottom and uncheck “Display images” and “dynamic contents”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I also recommend talking to family members and friends about fullmakter and
Some tools lets you help your elderly and such.
Freja e-ID for example lets you preview choices in anothers phone, they decide but they can feel safer knowing you might understand better what they are signing live when they are doing it


Framtidsfullmakt is something like the power of attorney IN CASE OF something happens and you need to make a decision for somemeone elses benefit. For example your spouse gets stuck in a coma in a car accident and you cant even pay your family bills because it was in the spouses name.
Only do it with those you trust long-term but please do it ahead of time.
Also for example banks require their own formats, a signed paper might not be enough

https://www.demensforbundet.se/att-vara-anhorig/lag-och-ratt/framtidsfullmakt/

https://www.swedbank.se/privat/juridiska-tjanster/fullmakter/framtidsfullmakt.html

https://www.telia.se/privat/mitt-telia/mitt-konto/fullmakter

 

 

 

 

 

Want to know more?

Create a list of your emails and try each of them here
https://haveibeenpwned.com

Surf here and click ”test”
https://coveryourtracks.eff.org

 

https://www.imy.se/verksamhet/kreditupplysning/

Cert.se’s megamap of known infected computers right now.
please note that most infected computers are unknown, thus not counted

 

 

 

Kaspersky’s got a map

 

Dark Patterns

https://www.linkedin.com/posts/katharina-koerner-7311b2105_dark-patterns-in-person-data-collection-ugcPost-6929465534149251072-Zu7E
darkpatterns.org The term dark patterns was coined in 2010 by Harry Brignull, who launched darkpatterns.org, and defined DP as “tricks used in websites and apps that make you do things that you didn't mean to, like buying or signing up for something."

 

 

https://www.skatteverket.se/privat/etjansterochblanketter/svarpavanligafragor/personuppgifterochdataskydd/personuppgifterochdataskydd/kanskatteverkettabortminapersonuppgifterfransajterpainternet.5.109dcbe71721adafd2519b8.html

 

I suggest disabled tracking using no-script

My setup is also like this
TODO: This section is not created yet.

Basically I use 4 web browsers. And yes I know you can use containers in Firefox nowadays but I’ve done this since forever.

Browser 1 - Brave.com - for my work email, and work related

browser 2 - Chrome - for my podcast emails, and those stuff

browser 3 - XXX For our family calendar and those stuff

browser 4 - youtube autologin no ads

browser 5 - Webserach ecosia.org and all “just browsing" independent

Using Lastpass to share passphrases between them etc.
All of them delete all at exit

Multiple browsers also are handy due to you ONLY allow mic & webcam in the browser you actually MIGHT use for connecting live with others. You don’t need them for your async work. mind your permissions needed.

 

 

Multifactor auth reminders. Have you enabled it for these services?

https://www.linkedin.com/psettings/two-step-verification
( I use Microsofts Auth App since it keeps the process within one organisation, no point in sending activity data elsewhere)
Dropbox? Microsoft? Google?

Book Recommendations for next month

Since vacation time is coming up I thought you’d might appreciate a list of book suggestions.

My first recommendation is The Big Leap

And of course, my own ebook: Attract Better Clients written in 2014, its free, put it on your phone using Adobe Reader with Liquid enabled for easy reading.

You, your people and intentional action

The world is not what we believe it is
(embrace reality, imagine better, intentional action)

Some story-reading that I recommend just for fun

Embracing reality. Imagine Better. Intentional Curiosity, Empathy, Generosity

Looking back I could never image what has happened since I was awarded consultant by the year by Ework in 2013 So many experiments that didnt levelup as I thought they would, and gratefully a few things did work out.

Looking back before that award. I would never ever had imagined that would have happened. I know so many people who would be way greater to award than little old me. Why was I to be awarded by 7500 consultants? I knew so many better!

Why I’m I sharing this? Because right now, where you are right now. You cant imagine how far you can go. There is no end to your potential. For each leap there is new doors, new fears, now habits opening up

Looking back it appears to be a big leap every 5 years where I wanted to do the big leaps instantly its served me and thus those I care about much much better embracing the small steps every day, despite eventual tiredness, despite tension, despite fears. I so want to encourage you to just commit to take MANY small small steps and you too will get there.


During these years this has been my mantra:

Embracing reality. Imagine Better. Intentional Curiosity, Empathy, Generosity

What is yours? What are you waiting for?

Just look how young and insecure I was back then, and still is in so many areas, but the number of areas does become less and less for every new habit you learn.

eWork2013.png



Start now. Five years from now you will realize that you didn’t understand what mattered anyway

Ric on his snowboard - with a nervously beating heart. Loving feeling alive. Loving being present. Love taking a leap and learning to do better.

Ric on his snowboard - with a nervously beating heart. Loving feeling alive. Loving being present. Love taking a leap and learning to do better.

Stretch. Today. That’s all I ask of you.

If you could whisper to your younger self from a year ago, what will you say? I'm sure you’re going to give some practical advice.  I'm also sure your future self will have a lot more to add.

Why? Because we learn so much every time we try. When we fail, we sharpen our minds, strengthen our focus, and re-shape our tools to gear up for another try. We aim to divert from the old route and find the better way.

I’m a forty-four-year-old looking back at my younger self. I was shy. I hid in books because reality scared me.

With a little luck and a lot of time saving, I bought myself a computer and developed my skills in silent. I excelled in this little box. I became a powerful wizard for the first time in my life. I made people become successful with of my skills. But I was still shy, especially around girls.

When I was starting to grow in my career, everything felt surreal. I always though, five years ago, I would never imagine reaching this very successfull level. All my youth, I always felt that I was never enough to make it big.

But even when I found my niche, and I started achieving something career-wise, I still have that side that feels inferior and would prefer comfort to growth.

That side of me was evident this summer when I stared  Pro-gamer Parent, a YouTube channel for parents of gamers.

I'm still fearful of the camera. I become nervous and sweaty in front of it. I never wanted this kind of attention my entire life. Whenever a camera arrives, I'm gone like a ninja before anyone notices.

I'm sure you have these moments as well. When you are letting something that matters to you rest on the table. Be kind to yourself. Embrace your uncertainties. Fear is fuel. Start something today and become a more empowered and accomplished person in the future.

The spark for this Pro-gamer parent adventure came to me while I was attending AltMBA.com #4 in March 2016. It took me almost two years to dare take the leap. And I felt so foolished and embarrassed when I started.

But I knew that there is a need for someone to help parents connect to their gamer kids. Parents need to appreciate gaming as a worthwhile hobby, see opportunities in them, and have interest in their child's passion. Children need to be understood by their parents for their love for gaming. Because gaming is not necessarily a bad thing. But it gets a lot of bad rep for things that are not necessarily associated with it. The State of Play is also a powerful force for greatness. Parents can be there for their children. They can help kids play wholesomely and have a balanced life. But to do that, they should reach out and establish genuine connection.
And I felt that I was the person to do all these things because I'm a parent and a gamer. And I'm also a mentor of leaders on self-leadership. And a fullblown data-nerd.

So I started this show where I'm mixing gaming, life-lessons, and parenting all together. I dont know if this will work in helping those young in need right now, but its worth a try.

Almost five years ago, I started a podcast to help managers become kinder and more generous, to unleash the potential in their people, and retain them longer. It is now very successful, and I get a lot of thank you notes with stories of how it helps people.

The first two years of  doing “Relationship Power At Work,” I sounded like a strangled cat. I fought my inner critic who was telling me:  who do you think you are?

I remember listening to Manager-Tools.com and Security Now in 2005 longing to do that kind of help to others but so scared to start. It took me nine years to dare to begin. Be kind to yourself but please start earlier. Starting isnt easy if its doing the important work, but its worth it.

Where you are in life right now used to be a future self for an even younger you. Don't you ever wish you started something long ago? So you can simple be enjoying the fruits of it now? see the fruits of those you helped?

Five years before starting that podcast I started my own company. I had a rather big number of trusty customers who wanted to work with me. I knew I had to find a way to serve them better, yet I was so afraid to start.
I was desperate for someone to give me a guarantee it would work out. I still haven’t gotten that, but my life has never felt better. Sure, I got awarded consultant of the year 2013 out of 7000 consultants by the Northern Europe's biggest consultant broker. At the time I wasn’t even comfortable talking about the publicity their award got me. If you’d said that to me, my knees would tremble I would not believe it. I chickened out for years before starting my own company. People kept calling me Linchpin, from Seth Godin's great book at that time so you’d think that would make me feel safe to start but I seriously didn’t feel ready for it one bit but dared the leap somehow anyway.
Now I’m grateful I did.

A few years before that I was made responsible for essential tools and software in 60 countries and 4500 stores. (promised on to name client thus the vagueness) Things that became normal and we even leveled up our deliveries there to,  but I felt VERY nervous when I started taking on such a big responsibility. Having to understand local laws in countries, unions, local culture. For me, a simple IT-tech wizard that was scary stuff. It’s a marvelous world we live in, but it’s a lot of challenges if you’re working genuinely global. Something I would NEVER 5 years before that three-year assignment felt ready for.
Now I’m greatful for everything I learned and everything we together made so much better for those we all serve.


Why am I sharing this with you? Because I want you to start. Don’t wait. You can’t now fathom everything you’ll learn if you start. Every five years I realize how little I knew, and how stupid I was. How big I made the small things that don’t matter and how unaware I was of the big things that really matter.

Right now I’m still working hard of becoming better for those I want to serve,  but I work hard not to wait anymore because I’ve learned that once I turn smarter, I will want to redo things anyway. There’s no point in procrastination, studying or polishing things alone. You need to embrace reality and ship often to those you serve so you’ll get real-life, feedback.

That’s the better way to learn. The better way to serve.
Doing what works AND doing things that might not work, to serve those you care about.

Eventually, I will plateau for a while--  until I come across another spark that will make me take another leap.

What are you waiting for? Action now is better. Your future self depends on you. No rescue boats are coming for you. Luckily, you can be your hero.

Go, with a wildly beating heart toward your mission in life. Those who need you thank you.


 

Your Ratchets, Trains, and Motors

Ratchet.png

Your Ratchets, Trains, and Motors

If you prefer the audio version to have your hands free take a listen here instead

Many of us believe in destiny. We envision our future to be a mysterious star behind the thick dark clouds.

We think that the lines in our palms have mapped our future from birth to death.

Great man and women shape the future, not only their own, but of the universe. Their future is like clay, they can bend it to form a vase, a statue, any great thing that they want.

Is your future like the lines in your palm or a clay on the table?

Crafting a great vase require discipline, consistency, timing, and a lot of hard work. It isn’t done in a day.

Like the materials for a perfect vase, behind our success are subtle forces that shape our lives daily.

To craft our future, we must be conscious of these forces: our ratchets, trains, and motors.

Ratchets

Ratchets are the small changes that unfold daily. They are the tiny details that seem insignificant, at first. Then one day, you look back to see how far the ratchet has gone.

Not that many years ago, you bought your first-ever smartphone. You started using mobiles apps.

You downloaded Spotify. You started emailing using your phone.

Today, you drove to the office and realized that you forget your phone at home. You started worrying about you calls and messages. You hate the inconvenience of going to your desk to check emails. You realized you can’t take a selfie.

Five years ago, smartphones did not exist and you were fine. Now, after using a smartphone daily for five years, this tiny gadget is almost a part of your body.

Ratches like these is all around you. Are you intentionally harnessing any of them for the work that matter to you?

Your Train

You are riding your train. This vehicle carries you to its direction.

Your train is the company you keep, the office you work at, the house you live, the family that raises you, the friends you choose, the lover you desire.

The train is a force that surround you. Inevitably, they form a large part of your identity.

There are two forces that affect our identity: nature and nurture. The train represents nurture.

Our families are our first train. Our parents are our first influences. 82% of Catholics came from Catholic families.

 

American presidents

Celebrities

In schools, people are identified by cliques.

In the “Mean Girls” movie, the high school population is divided between the fashionable, the sporty ones, the emos, and the geeks.

In “High School Musical,” we see the same thing.

In Disney “Descendants”

In real estate, their is a principle called… “Be aware of your train.”

Envision your path, your image.

the most important thing to remember about the many trains you are on. is not to be hard on yourself for getting ON the wrong train, but for remaining on when you realize it.

Your Motors

Your motors are your triggers. In psychology, this is called the “Id.”

The “Id,” lives in your subconscious, your deepest fear and desires. The affect your different actions without you knowing it. The “id” is irrational. It is the force behind love at first sight and whirlwind romance. Tony Robins say the strongest force alive is your desire to stay true to your self-belief, to be consistent with your own worldview. That’s a motor not to be underestimated.

Your motors may manifest is less grander ways such as when you open a poorly constructed article from an unreliable website because of a clickbait headline.

Marketers study these things to sell products.

Cost is not a function of price.

Be aware of your “Id.”

Urgent Table

SWOT Analysis

Think long-term.

Always have a goal, always argue out loud that you might be wrong. Use these mechanism for good, instead of falling for them unconsciously.

Understanding YOUR motor, your fuel, your energy givers is among the most important insights you get. Have you reflected on what yours are recently?

The Magic of Synergy

shutterstock_189428201_reality_is_behind_your_wall_Go_check_it_out.jpg

The Great Wall of China, the Pyramids of Egypt, the Eiffel Tower, the Taj Mahal-what do the great structures in history have in common?

All of them are built by a team that works towards one goal. Behind all of these majestic places are an excellent architect, a top-of-class engineer, a respected king, hundreds or thousands of hardworking people, and most importantly, a reason for building.


Throughout history, people had been motivated by different things but most likely the same feelings and self world view


But what about in the modern times? What force unites the modern world?

The answer can be very difficult. Perhaps, non-existent.

In the age of individualism, where people value uniqueness above culture. This world offers so many distractions, so the purpose of existence is no longer pondered upon.

So in this day and age, how do you start a crusade? How can you bring together different personalities and shepherd them towards one direction? How do you communicate a goal and realize a vision?

The modern team thrives on diversity, maximizing individual strengths to create synergy.

“What’s in it for me?” is an indispensable question from individuals courted to contribute to a project.

The challenge for millennial visionaries is to craft a business idea that is win-win for all parties involved. It has to be profitable while allowing individual contributors to showcase their talents. It has to have a positive impact on the society.

Like a boat, a vision needs a headstrong captain to sail it through a sea of internal and external factors.

Team members and stakeholders have to be well-compensated while government and the people need to be assured that the venture will have a positive impact on the environment and society.

Despite all the obstacles, building a modern day dream team is possible by attracting the right people and instilling the right values: Trust, Co-ownership, Transparency, Goal-Orientedness, and Diversity.

Trust

Trust is a timeless virtue. It is the most important criteria for selecting allies. Never work with anyone you can’t trust.

Finally, when you hire the people you trust, show them that they have your confidence. Give them the stage. Let them fight their dragons. Set directions but limit your intervention. You hired them for their knowledge and skills so let them do their job.

When you hire intelligent people, let them do the thinking.

2. Co-ownership

The most excellent and praiseworthy employees think of the company as their own.

They don’t just work to get the salary. They want to see the organization thrive. Thus, they align their actions with the company’s strategies and they give their best in all their task. They represent the company well to clients and they go beyond the call of duty.

3. Transparency

A transparent leader leads without deception or hidden agenda. He genuinely dedicates his effort and competence to the growth of each team member and to the goal of the organization.

He is a picture of encouragement. His hard work and unbeatable energy fuels the team.

When members of the team are honest towards one another, they become more excited to work together.

4. Goal-Oriented Team

A goal-oriented team is where members collaborate instead of competing. The members trust the leader and the rest of the group so they believe that the success of the team will also alleviate them. Thus, instead of trying to get ahead of each other, they share strategies and connections and work to empower one another.

5. Diversity

A successful organization needs an exemplary planner, a driven leader, savvy technical people, dynamic marketers, organized administration, sincere customer care staff, talented artists and so on.

The right mix of people who believe in the same vision makes an indestructible team.

 

This might not work, but I'm trying to help Pro-Gamer Parents make a difference

Dreamhack_2017_desksize.png

Trying new things is important for growth.
Things change, worldviews change. We need to embrace that if we don’t work on extending our comfort zone it shrinks automatically.

During the summer break I started a Youtube channel thinking to myself “this might not work” – but it if does I’m helping people I want to help with things that matter the most to them. The success of their children AND their own connection to their children.

The purpose of this channel is helping parents help their kids create a healthy, successful happy life based on their passion for computer game play.
Other purposes include
* Helping parents connect better to their children, for some parents is worlds colliding

* Helping computer gamers embrace reality and level up both in-game as well as in real life.

o   Between game talk I’m also sneaking in the importance of a healthy body in order to have an effective game, since the brain is boosted by a healthy body. Often the problem isn’t computer games themselves, it’s that we for sample sit still too much. Sitting still is killing the modern world like few other things. Most really successful esport champions embrace the importance for physical training in order to deliver in the esport tournaments for example.

o   Likewise will I share optimistic worldviews of how important a healthy mindset is for any form of success in life, and especially for pursuing becoming best in something where there is a global completion?

o   You get the idea: while we help them become best of the best, we’re also helping them build a healthy life with a healthy mind, body, relationships and skills for other careers as well

 

What is it for? Helping parents help their child make a successful, happy living based on their dream: Computer Game play

Who is it for? Parents who believe in the positive effect of “State of Play”, Parents who wants their children to learn to lead in solving interesting problems for those that matter to them. With “interesting” being their own choosing. Parents who embrace that they are responsible for their childrens start, not other parties like school, governments, etc.. Nor are they curling them either but they realize that the potential in other people can only be volunteered, but they’ll happily do some heavily lifting themselves if it helps their child. Notice that most of the work we’ll do on this channel is about connecting and emotional labor to make a difference. There won’t be any quick fixed in this channel. But I promise you that your connection to your child will become better. And hopefully you’ll both level up in the real life in the process

Interested? Check it our here: Pro-GamerParent.com, and more importantly. Spend time with your child, doing things that matter to her/him.

You Are a Contribution

mirror_cat_shutterstock_261775046.jpg

You Are a Contribution

You are a contribution, a color in a rainbow. You have the energy, talent, and intellect to pursue your hopes and aspirations. The world is a big ocean of opportunities. Have the courage to pursue whatever dreams you have.

Get to know yourself. What do you love doing? Where do you excel? What do people like in your? Take some online personality tests. Try out different things and listen to your heart.

Dream for yourself, your family, your friends, loved ones, and the society. Think outside the box and make a difference.

Find opportunities that fit your strengths while leading you to your goal. Join organizations where you can be a contribution. Surround yourself with people that inspire you. Before joining a company, check its corporate values. Befriend hardworking and ambitious co-workers. Have long-term and short-term goals and always check your progress.

Work with steady determination. Your dreams be your ray of sunshine during your darkest days. In your corporate and academic journey, you will meet a power-tripping boss, a crazy professor, a politicking colleague, a critical parent, a two-face friend, and a lot of other obstacles. If you know yourself and you know your goals, you can find the strength to get going.

There are times that you have to prove your talent or intellect in a competition, a job interview, an opportunity for promotion, and many other instances. In that case, compete with all your might. Bring out all your strengths. But remember to be yourself. If you win, take victory with humility and continue to work hard. Never let one trophy be a reason to rest on your laurels. If you didn’t make it, rest for a day. Then pick yourself up and continue your journey. Do your duty in big and small roles.

But in most times, you will find yourself in a group of people working towards one goal: in a class, family, circle of friends, or in a company. Find a gap that you can fill. Find a way to enhance the groups output with your talents. Be prepared to lead but also be ready to give your support and make suggestions. Shine but also let others take their spotlight. Work with steady determination. Support others and lean to others for support.

Learn to say no. When you have proven yourself enough. You will reach the point where several opportunities will knock on your door. Always go back to your goals. Make your choice and take accountability for it. There is no going back. Once you have chosen, fiercely pursue that path. Disregard your what ifs.

Sometimes you will need to prioritize. You may decide to take care of a terminally ill parent for a year before going back to your corporate life. It’s okay. Always remember what matters most.

In other times you just need to balance work and studies, love and career, and friends and family. Learn to compartmentalize. Be 100% present wherever you are. Leave work at the office. Don’t take your family problems at work. Make it up to your lover by planning romantic things for the weekend.

At the end of the day, check for one thing: be sure that you are doing what makes you happy. Don’t mistake happiness for pleasure. Happiness is having a peace and contentment at the end of the day after giving your best and taking care of the people and things your care for.  Never think that success is purely financial. Success is making your dreams happens. These dreams can be about your friends, family, faith, or the society.

You can never be too young or too old to continue to dream or make new dreams. Forge your own path. Don’t compare yourself to your former classmates or colleagues. Compete with yourself. Make things happen in your own time.

The Art of Listening

Girl_Listening_To_Can_String_shutterstock_127925303.jpg

The Art of Listening

Language is perhaps the most beautiful aspect of being a human. The ability to convey feelings and ideas, the chance to appreciate what is in somebody’s mind, the gift of inheriting knowledge from the previous generation is all made possible by language. And language is best appreciated by those who have the ability to listen.

Listening is a rare talent born out of selflessness, curiosity, and the desire to be one with another person or with a community.

Listen with a genuine desire to understand. Listen clearly with compassion and curiosity. Listen without biases and judgment. Listen and accept the person in front of you without putting her words in your context, framing, and moral standard. Listen to one’s words, gestures, and feelings. Listen even when you are talking. And most importantly, listen without distraction.

Only then can a true connection be made, a connection that leads to understanding, peace, progress, mutual respect, good relationship, and success. Listening can bring forward many gifts. It is a much-needed talent by today’s disconnected digital world that lives in distractions, mobile apps, and clickbait.

The most beautiful connection is the one between lovers. They can hear each other’s whispers and read each other’s lips. Their hands and bodies are in sync. They can turn away from the world’s most tempting distractions and be lost in each other’s eyes.

Our feelings are not always the same and in our imperfect days, making a connection can be difficult. Nonetheless, it is always worth it.

Pay attention. Be alert. Look at the person in the eye. Pay attention to the person’s actions. Most importantly, become a lover, a friend, a helpful colleague, and generous boss. Listening and connection will come naturally.

When you rise to become a leader, your need to listen grows. You need to listen to a community. To your tribe but also in some extent to your nonbelievers, even if you’re not making the work that matters for them, they might help you make your work better. Just remind yourself to listen 100 times more to the people you seek to lead, your tribe.

Surveys are a great way to know the leanings of the many. A focus group discussion may be done to understand the reasons behind the numbers. Beware trusting the numbers too much though, because bias is in every answer you get. But not trusting the many will also hide important worldviews from your eyes.

Being transparent towards your partners and subordinates increases trust within the organization and creates a culture of community and working towards a common goal.

There are no soft skills. Listening is among the most important hard skills you have for ensuring results and retention. Are you listening to that which matter or are you just busy?

infinite and finite games

shutterstock_155384801_embracing_tree.jpg

Have you thought much about what type of games are you playing most regularly?

Here's' some inspiration for you
 

Are you ready?

water.jpg

Are you ready?

.. for opportunity when it comes knocking on YOUR door?

I surely wasn’t, for most of the times when it’s been past my door.

LINK For example when I was interviewed by John on his EOfire podcast. Having then more than a million downloads that scared me into doing nothing more than showing up, with trembling knees.

Likewise when I was awarded Consultant of 2013 Q4, out of their 7500 consultants to choose from all I could think of was the people I knew that was just as great as I am.
Resulting that I did little thinking what was beyond this event. How I could help others beyond what I was giving here and now.
(check the interview at the bottom of this page if you prefer audio)

The thing is. Alternative cost is in every choice you make, everything you do or don’t do.

I was honored to be re-invited to John’s podcast a second time, and then I did prepare so It became very obvious how much a difference it made comparing the aftereffects of these too.

In short: it became obvious what a mistake I made when I didn’t come suitable prepared to the first interview, when that was the only difference between these two times.

Over and over in my life Ive done this mistake, and Im still doing it every now and again.

But since I really learned to come prepared for the choose
If it’s worth accepting a meeting, or a goal. It’s worth preparing for. Remind yourself of the alternative cost of NOT preparing. Guard your time investment. Ensure you get the most of out them by preparing.

Behave like your manager, client or customer pay you double for your result

Carrying_Cat_in_Hands_shutterstock_149488010.jpg

What if you behaved like your manager, client or customer payed you double for your results?

Your ability to ask yourself the important questions determines more than you think.

Treat your clients, customers, managers like they pay you a lot more than you do.
How would you behave differently if that was the case? What’s stopping you from doing that right now?
What should you have to learn in if that was the case? What more results would you want to give them if that was the case?
What would you say no to so you can focus on this customers value, the results that matter for them?
What would you “step up” extra for getting done?
IF you don’t feel like behaving like that. Then ask yourself why and use that insight to find people you DO want to treat like that.

If you’re giving expecting nothing in return, no-one can take advantage of you. You choose who you want to serve. Choose people and causes you want to give yourself whole-hearted to.
If you don’t feel you want to. That’s your responsibility to find better causes and people to serve.
Accept that you have to treat everyone as volunteer.

This got you curious, take a listen to the podcast

Borrowing Happiness from tomorrow.

shutterstock_259041095_hourglass_on_digital_HUD.jpg

Borrowing Happiness from tomorrow.
Making the best of today to enjoy both now and tomorrow

if you prefer to listen instead of read, check this podcast eposide here


Uncomfortable now rather than resentful later – by Brene brown

Don’t shrink, don’t Puff. Brave and vulnerable at the same time. Healthy Boundaries

When was the last time you choose to set a boundary by choosing to be uncomfortable now for a better future? How well do you like your yesterday’s you? What do you think you’re pushing or procrastinating that you deep down know your future you will have to solve. Will WAY less time or resources that you have in your hands right now?

 

Borrowing Happiness from tomorrow is something I heard from Matt Mullenweg
Use the quote in any way that make you favor action to make things better today. For both today AND your future self.

Life is ticking by fast. And you don’t know what your future hold, but you know for sure, a few small things that you’re pushing ahead more than you really want to.

1990 is just as far away from today, that 2046
With that in mind. What do you think your future self will thank you for in 2046
A lot of things has changed? Back then you for example almost never asked anyone “where are you” live or on voice, because you knew, otherwise you wouldn’t be able to ask them.
 

Time with your most important people.. and what story the data tells

shutterstock_156021878.jpg

Time with your most important people.. and what story the data tells
Blissful time with your most important people? Check your stats and think again..

 

Christmas is coming up. Remind yourself to be there slightly more than usual for those you care about. Be mindful, present and let a few of those noises rest until after Christmas.

I recently revisited this article
https://waitbutwhy.com/2015/12/the-tail-end.html

It reminded me that, according to their statistics which I believe:

After we graduate we’ve used up 93% of our in-person time with our parents. Our time with siblings are very close to that numbers as well.

Likewise with dear friends moving out of town, or perhaps you moved somewhere. You might think it’s obvious but the important question is. Are you doing something about it?

What small decision can you make today to increase this most precious time you’ve got? Now that you realize you are on the last 5% with some of the people that are the closest to you?

Put the device down is just a habit. Perhaps there is something other than you think you’ll invest in later. Perhaps a trip together. Anything small, an hour without thinking of later is valuable enough. Don’t delay. You don’t know if you’ll get there all of you.
The worst that can happen is you’ll get multiple trips together and that’s quite a good thing, crunching the numbers of your life isn’t it?

Be present for those you care about. IF they’re not worth delaying a facebook update from a stranger. Perhaps you should reconsider who you’re spending the time with and make more time for those that are worth it?

 

Counting backwards has its merits.
Taking an exam while holding a list of answers in hand is easy.

Yet when it comes to time, who has been my most persistent, consistent and generous teacher it’s easy to forget. What most of us treasure is time spent in with the (few) people that really matter around us. I keep forgetting and getting lost with all the shines, squirrels and wonderful magic out there. Thinking I can do this tomorrow, but eventually no one of us can. Be grateful for what you’ve got, and work to get and give more of it.

It doesn’t matter who your choice of those people are. This is your choise alone. it’s easy to forget how saying yes to all the noise and people wanting in on our attentions. Forgetting that not taking a conscious decision crowd out time for the people that matter.

Christmas can also be hard. If so be kind to yourself and those around you. This advice of course, goes beyond just Christmas. But chance are you’re seeing some long-time friends or relatives of yours. Dare to put tension to say no to the people you’re just hanging out with out of habits this year. Dare to be really present with those you choose. Time is ticking. Remember to enjoy most of those ticks. And help those around you get your bliss too.

Act now and you will most likely tenfold the time you get with the people that matter to you. Compared to if you let inertia and others make that choice for you.

What’s YOUR style of play? This is not a quickfix

no_scare_jump_hurry_hurry_urgent_145778774.jpg

When I was a young leader of my first team I was desperately longing for a quick checklist to follow.

Something that could guarantee if I followed its guidance I’d be great manager to those I served.

I was around 20 years old and very afraid to fail. I was very afraid to show how vulnerable I felt. In my responsibility for other results, productivity and their long term wellbeing.

Somehow I thought that made me an insecure leader that would yield less results.

Today I say the opposite, embracing vulnerability makes us strong. Embracing failures makes us accomplish more.

Today I know that holding up my shield like I did back then, not showing my true “scared parts” self made me less easy to connect to.  Made me more “blank”

My aim with this podcast is to be a gift for your long term benefit. For the life and work for yourself and those around you. Not a provider of templates or checklists for the generic solutions.

I want to help you explore more of YOUR unique ways of connecting to people.

To help you find own unique potential. Your individual ways to help those around you accomplish the same.

We’re all surrounded by ads and noise for packages to buy. Or articles to invest your time in reading telling you what to do so you can feel safe.

Playing at your fear of loss, playing of your itch for safety, for guarantees, for “top 3 things for better X”

 

I don’t want to go that way contrary to advices from lots of people. They keep telling me that’s the smart way to increase my downloads or monetize this podcast but that’s not WHY I do this.

This podcast is primarily a gift I want to give. Like Dalai Lama and Mahatma Gandhi say, “Be the change you want to see in the world”. This is podcast episode number 191 and not one podcast so far has been created with the purpose of making money.
My purpose is helping others.

 

If I can help just one person day feeling more like they belong where they are. Or daring to make a healthy leap that change things for the better that’s all the reward I need. This is my style of helping, even if it was awkward and scary when I started.

What style of play in your life? What’s important boundaries for you? What’s worth doing for you, even if you think you might fail?

 

First, you must know yourself. What type of service do you want to offer? How do you want to serve others?


Next will be about creating your own guidelines that works with you. It does not matter what everybody else is doing. It does not matter whether it is not indicated in the book of the famous author or speaker. What matters is those are helping you to become better.

 

Another thing that you should not worry about is the fear of loss. We can see there are so many countdown and deadlines that drives you to click on this and purchase on that. But flash sales and these marketing strategies makes us think differently. It creates an unwanted pressure and confusion on our part. Although, I would agree that this is effective. But still, it does not help you unleash your full potential. Find ways to less noise and more of your own actions.

At the end of the day, it does not matter who you follow and what book you read.
What matters is that you’re taking more responsibility in creating your own breakthrough. You will find your individual way.

You can definitely do it. What step can you take today to embrace your reality a bit more? What’s your style of play and how can you dare allow more of THAT to be seen by those you serve?

its rarely about you, rarely about perfect and always about shipping

3arrows_ric.png

 

It’s almost never about you. Almost always it's about those you serve AND you. Major, longlasting success is 99% about helping other people get closer towards what they want. That said of course it’s important to set healthy boundaries for what you want and don’t want.

For example, let image that this image represent what you're working on right now. Picture "your thing" when you're reading the rest of this email.

 

1_your_target_goal_measured_data_point_what_success_means_to_you.png

Think about when it’s OK to ship things at 80% and when it’s not OK for you. We often ship later than what’s beneficial for all parties, think about, focus on shipping early not late.. Perfecting and inaction might from afar look very alike..

Because in reality.. No-one aligns 100% percent to your needs, or your service.. Thus the “real” target should look more like this,…. Quite messy right?

How often do you ask yourself what it’s for, this this you’re creating? Who is it for?
How do I make it clearer for those I serve and myself?

 

2_real_life_goals_your_goals_doesnt_align_100_percent_with_others_goals.png

How often do you ask yourself what it’s for, this this you’re creating? Who is it for?
How do I make it clearer for those I serve and myself?

Let’s redraw the last image (merge of goals) like below, for clarity.

So if the dot is “your” target/goal/end results. And the stars is the others goal-target.. same as above, but simpler.

 

3_targets.png

Are you asking yourself it the "What is it for" really overlaps with the blue stars, and that these blue stars overlap with what is healthy for you to ship? (Infinite and finite games comes to mind)

 

4_your_redifined_sometimes_more_open_goal.png

So ask yourself if you should invite the mindset that this yellow area should be “enough”?

Would such a goal still help those you serve?

Don’t work for "perfect hits". Work for creating or sharing value to others. You don’t know how much value you bring until you ship and listen for the feedback. Work for shipping because you never know who you’re service way more than you think you would in your current state of play. Work to ship early so you learn to become more aware of the others target/stars are.

How often to you think about this overlap, and the way it can propel you and those around you forward?

Have this made you rethink the design or your current goal?

 

Do you have the leadership and clarity at business, operations and infrastructure to levelup the effects of OmniChannel, IoT, Big Data

globe_puzzle.jpg

Digital Transformation. Digital is the new revenue driving force.

Information is the new gold.

Do you have the leadership and clarity at business, operations and infrastructure to levelup its effects?

 

Big Data and Internet of things. How does this apply to my teams everyday behaviour. Helping us act on key metrics and everyday insights?

 

How to become ready for this shift?

 

First we need to accowledge the hard work operations and infrastructure is doing. We need to embrace reality of what is legacy and needs to be kept of all that is. Embrace reality first and create the future. If we ONLY live in the future, we're not building it. I firmly believe in the quote by Peter Drucker "the best way to predict the future is to create it" - and I work alot with data driven predictions. Still that alone, without behaviour change of our team today the change that matters most will not happen.

 

Digital Transformation, Operational BI and the importance of

infrastructure and well oiled listening processes

 

Now is the time to thank the heroes at infrastructure for their hard work, because it’s about to pay off when all organisations starts to realize “information is their most valuable asset” alongside with the digital transformation required to support omnichannel, fast-speed, trustworthy analytics across. Catalogs. print. RFID trace data, auto-inventory, Order-online-pickup-in-a-minute in your closest location,auto-ad placements on RFID tags. Location based customer movements. Online behaviour. Marketing insights. Events activities and insights. Surveys. Focusgroups data – and a lot more now connecting the dots creating easier ways fastpasted ways to revenue connected to a mix of processes.

 

This requires we trust infrastructure, and that we proactively work with getting the best of their work. Problem solving is the best way to learn, and InO work great with problem solving. The rest of the organisation needs to become better at listening to their insights. And Infrastructure needs to be better at creating ambassadors setting $values on process, activities and data to support change. Drop Sunc cost in a transparent way OR get ready to defend legacy that the new and latest requirement specifiers turn a blind eye to because it’s not easy digestible.

 

This does not have to mean a lot of extra time, working better will ensure we do this while also doing the hard work we do each day. But it’s a learning process. When I started this podcast you’re listening to it took me most of a weekend to get an episode live. Now Podcast only takes about a few minutes per episode to get live. I might invest 15-30 minutes in total every week to produce this. Its that easy ONCE we turn elite, but I was lousy at it in the beginning. Same here, we need to learn better to actively listen for the value of our processes and how to make the effect that is important, not just out of historical reasons. Meanwhile we must also be aware of the power of legacy and you cant just pull a plug because no-one dares to invest into opening it up.

 

How can you delegate more effectively so you’ll make time to firmly grasp the most important work? How can you delegate bigger tasks to challenge and grow your people so they’ll stay longer WHILE also train them to delegate in the same manner? Are you following up on Retention KPI? Are you sure you’re not bleeding top performers?

 

Digital Transformation is hotter than ever and has been hot for years, GDPR is the new hot – both of these make infrastructure our unsung heroes – It’s time to become more aware! It’s time to stop managing and start leading in this new era of internet of things and data sensors everywhere.

 

Gartner Podcast I&O, Stop Managing & Start Leading

 

2017-09-23

 

https://www.gartner.com/podcasts/io-stop-managing-start-leading I&O Sets Foundation for Digital Transformation

 

2017-03-02

 

https://www.gartner.com/podcasts/io-sets-foundation-for-digital-transformation

 

books

 

Infonomics: How to Monetize, Manage, and Measure Information as an Asset for Competitive Advantage

 

https://www.amazon.com/Infonomics-Monetize-Information-Competitive-Advantage-ebook/dp/B075D91J9D

 

Analytics: The Agile Way (Wiley and SAS Business Series) https://www.amazon.com/Analytics-Agile-Way-Wiley-Business-ebook/dp/B073QWRP7D

 

Weapons of Math Destruction: How Big Data Increases Inequality and Threatens Democracy

 

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B019B6VCLO

 

Everybody Lies: Big Data, New Data, and What the Internet Can Tell Us About Who We Really Are

 

https://www.amazon.com/Everybody-Lies-Internet-About-Really/dp/B06XCYD5KG

 

GDPR for DevOps(Sec) The law, controls and solutions https://www.amazon.com/GDPR-DevOps-Sec-controls-solutions-ebook/dp/B074Y5Y2CX

Organisational development, Psychosynthesis and leading high impact change

Psychosynthesis-egg-diagram_color.png

Organisational development, Psychosynthesis and leading high impact change

I want to share tribute to three courses that has had a great impact on the way I work and the results I bring my clients.

 

  1. Seth Godin's altMBA.
  2. Organisationskonsult
  3. Manager-Tools Effective Manager

 

Seth Godin's altMBA is a month-long intense course I took 2016 Mars. You can read more about my experience and the lingering effects of it here

 

Organisationskonsult was for me a 4-year long Organisations-konsult course. This Swedish title means "Consultant that work with making organisations more effective and healthy from other perspectives as well from the Psychosynthesis perspective"

I say its a 3 year long course because its a one-year addon to their mandatory 2 year long course. The 3rd year adds Organisational-change-driving insights. The 2nd year adds interdependency or "other people insights" and the first year is all about getting insight into your own behaviour.

However this was in 2011 and I had much yet to learn (I still do dont get me wrong) so I started with their one year long MentorAkademin course where we focused greatly on the business perspective of organisational and leadership development. This course served me well even if it actually meant I started "backwards" in their "educational" ladder.

This course was great in learning how to communicate to myself AND others to get to the important work that makes a difference.

 

Manager-Tools Effective Manager I have been listening to Manager-Tools since I was a very young leader, back in 2005 it was this podcast and security now I always followed. And acted on their advice because it really helped me and the people I lead do more with less.

This is their 3 day on-site training that I recommend to anyone working with leading people. Both people they can do one-on-ones with and lead directly, as well as leading people they need a change of behaviour, or other results from but have no levereage

 

I recommend these three courses combined for anyone who needs to level up the effect they get from themselves or together with other people.

 

My wish would be that all leaders had the combination of these three leadership courses. One focused on the business, customer and student journey. And the other two on the softer skills of leading people - which in the end, there are no soft skills. They all are very much hard requirements in getting the important job done.

Using Feedback to build Relationship Power instead of pushing people away from you.

Do you know that the most effective thing you can do to increase results is talking about performance and give feedback on results? Yet most managers fear giving feedback.

•    They don’t want to cause conflict
•    They don’t want to be misunderstood
•    Don’t feel insecure in how to give it
•    They are afraid they will appear less powerful after giving it if no change happens
•    They hide in the sand, hoping things will improve
•    They’re giving feedback in a way that pushes the individual away for them, distancing themselves, avoiding contact or making results worse. Thus they stopped giving it.

Doing this wrongly will push people away from you instead of connecting to them.

I’ve done all of these mistakes this myself, many times.
My nature is to avoid conflict. My first instinct is often to hide my head in the sand. I have to force myself out of there because in my head.

Yet at the same time, most surveys show that most people long for feedback on their work. Deep down, we always want to know where we stand. Some of us want to push for more. All of us want to know if we're at risk or not.

That said – most of the people that ask you for feedback, don’t really mean what they say. What they really want you to say is praise them. We’re not really built for receiving critical feedback. Still at the heart of it, we do want to know where we stand in relation to our safety and performance.
So how do you give good feedback that effectively creates a change in behaviour?

How do you talk about performance in a way that deepens your relationship power with an individual instead of risking to push them away from you?

What you have right now - your life and your achievements are your own responsibilities. If you’re not getting what you want, then it’s your job to change what you say, how you say it and anything else required until you get that effective behaviour, and the sweet results they bring your after.

1. The first thing you need to own is why you’re giving this specific feedback. If it’s ANYTHING other than to create a more effective tomorrow then just walk away. DON’T give feedback at this time.

2. So honestly ask yourself. Is this about bettering tomorrow or is this about here and now? If its about here and now., then it’s mostly about YOU. Ask yourself, if this behaviour doesn’t happen tomorrow, do you still feel like you have to give it? If so, stop and take responsibility for your own feelings. Your frustration will not change the behaviour of others in a healthy way.

What do you need to do when giving feedback?

  • Describe the results and our observed behaviour, from your perspective.
  • Describe the consequence for you (check cnv.org for more as to why)
  • If you’re getting some reasoning as to WHY it didn’t happen/happened- talk about making a positive future for both of you. DON’T allow yourself to remain in the past, which explanations are. Always go back talking about commitment in the future.
  • Ask them what they can do differently to get the results needed. DON’T allow yourself to decide HOW they do it, stay focused on the results and the behaviour.
  • Walk away instead of giving it if you are upset or angry.
    Don’t make feedback a lengthy debate about right or wrong.
    its all about future results. if you think its about the past you're not focusing on the effect you want, then you're most likely focusing on your own hurt or feelings, not results.

Stay positive and ask for a commitment on the behaviour or deadline. Make it about results and behaviour, not about character or persons. Try to describe the situation objectively to yourself before intervening to know. If notice you often have the tendency to prematurely intervene, you need to seriously think about your own pattern.

Asking Is More Powerful Than Telling.
Telling does NOT build relationship power but is an important part of a Manager’s job. That said, it’s my recommendation you use this as little as possible. Asking for commitment creates a lot more commitment than compliance ever does.

Frustration.
It’s totally OK to be frustrated, to be angry. Its not OK to push that energy on other people.
If you vent your frustration you will inevitably push people away. Don’t confuse the relaxed tension of gossip with creating a connection about the work that matters. No positive change ever comes about gossip. Change comes from action and keeping tension on the things you can change (the "right" thing), not releasing tension on things that wont matter.

Clear and pointy
"But Ric. I used to love that part of my boss who pointed with their whole hand in a clear way."
Yes, I understand that, it can feel relaxing in a certain way to know you can blame your manager if it goes bad, comply to the deadline and requirement. But Compliance often wastes potential. Right now, we need you to harness your potential. You can Ask AND be extremely clear at the same time.

Tension is good, tension is needed for change.
Ask how they can do things differently and wait “with” the tension. Don’t fill in the void for them. You’ve described objectively how things worked out for you based on what you saw in their behaviour.
Now, wait for them to commit to a better future with your silence. Refocusing the tension back on that positive future for both of you should they try to drag you back to the past.
Whenever they try to bring it back to how come it happened the way it happened, it’s most often to defuse tension. Show them It’s not about the past, they can’t change the past. Let them know the best way out of the tension is in that positive future behaviour.

Repetitive behaviour
One of the reasons we’re always asking for a commitment, and staying focused on the result and effective behaviour is because if your feedback doesn't cause a change, then the feedback is no longer about the specific “you’re often late to my meeting.” The feedback is now about the pattern of "you say you will commit and improve, but you’re not doing what you say you will do repetitively".

You become the company you keep
Own the pattern. If you’re the manager, your recruiting skills are responsible.
If it’s a friend, your choice of friends is responsible. If it’s a co-worker, your choice of manager is responsible. It’s a lot easier to change things we take ownership for, instead of wishing for a change in others.


Further reading
•    https://www.cnvc.org to learn more about Non-violent communication. How to describe objectively in ways that can’t be disputed.
•    RelationshipPower.com – a Podcast (Relationship Power at work ) that helps managers build Relationship Power while also exploring your own and other peoples potential.